A woman is relieved to hear her rape was illegitimate, a 2nd-grade teacher can't believe how much fatter they keep getting, and college roommates continue their bonding process until real friends are made. It's the week of August 20, 2012. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion